silly thoughts.

browsed through some old photographs and love notes..
laughed at the cheesy lines and promises.
smiled at the young, hopeful faces looking back at me, uncaring of the tattered edges of these photos.
and somehow made me wonder..

would you still love me now?

circumstances made me change a lot.
i guess part of that carefree me is still hidden somewhere inside, aching to come out and celebrate life once more. but this part of me needs to be tamed, for things HAVE changed.

and it has given me a fresh puzzle to solve, or a hypothesis to prove.

i know for sure that one of these persons won't feel the same way, not when he left even before events initiated the rather startling and heartbreaking change. i don't care anyway.

but what about you?
would you still promise to love me even if one of the reasons why you do is gone?
would you stay with me?
would you still accept me?

i guess questions are all that's left now.
for i wouldn't know.

and i think that's better.
so that when the answers won't be what i hope they should be, i won't get disappointed.

still i wonder.

story of my life

the rain keeps pouring. fingers still crossed.
the night owl is watching. i'm at a loss.

how could one make things alright?
when everything's falling apart, and the strength that has been with me my entire life suddenly gives up on me, where would i run to?

yes i stay strong for you. i do.
but where would i get mine? who do i run to?

the wind's still howling. the shivers don't stop.
after all's been said and done, would things go back to normal?
or is this just the start?

everything's a mess. and i'm in the middle of it.
life has turned upside down.
and no one's coming to the rescue.

i am the superman.
but i don't know what to do..

:'(

for more drama

bye bye!
take care of yourself.

i'm sure you'll be happier with her!

:)

in-your-dreams mode

if i could make a poem for you, i'd write something that'd make you realize that i am alive--breathing even. then you'd see that i am an ordinary girl with ordinary qualities. yet i could love you til hell freezes.

wham.

wake up shali.

it's just a dream.

it'll always be just like that. a dream.

i wonder why people dwell in unrequited love. they celebrate it by way of thinking bout it day and night, unconsciously annoying their closest friends about how they met the love of their lives in the cafeteria, the jeepney or in the hallway--and smiled at them.

i guess i also love to feel the pain of being unnoticed by the person you absolutely adore.

and i love the pain when i read the person's blog and acknowledge the fact that the person's already smitten--by someone else.

and yet there's that tingling sensation inside you, the small flicker of hope that strongly wishes that the person he was talkin' about--was you.


and then you wake up.

a dream.





note: inspired by a crush everyone knows but the person himself. i just made little modifications though.

idon'tknow

it was so...new.

the feeling that i was actually at a loss for words was something awfully..new.

it's like you're falling from a high building and you are totally helpless--all you can do is wait for the loud *blag* and the feeling of nothingness that'd succumb you.

i was mad. i still am. so much so that i couldn't form a single coherent description of this emotion.

i was hurt. i never thought that i'd be able to feel this alone with you--or without you. i thought i've learned. those dreadful memories which kept on haunting me every now and then suddenly came full blast on my face. it's like a strong wind blew out of nowhere.

and yes i am sad. disappointed.

for the first time in a long long while, i feel queasy. i can feel the churning of my tummy. i feel the butterflies in my stomach.

i am thrown out and i do not know where to go. or what to do.

i am out of balance. ran out of ideas.

out.

a-bad-come-back

i've been helplessly trying to conjure up topics to write in this almost nonexistent blog.
i mean, what are blogs for, if not for writing melodramatic experiences, whimsical stories, and even almost heart breaking news?

and yet, for the past months i couldn't seem to write anything close to 'nice'. it's so frustrating.

so here i am, composing yet another compilation of whatever runs through my head.

i believe:

• that too much of anything is so not good.

• that having a baby fall asleep in your arms is the most peaceful feeling on earth.

• that there will always come a time where you'll meet one person whom you'd love so much that no matter how many years have passed, or how many persons you've been with already, or how painful the parting was, he/she will still and always leave a mark--a part in your heart where no one could ever replace.

• that when all else fails, cry. and then panic.

• that there is always a 'good' and a 'bad' thing in a person.

• that there is just one person i would've loved to see the bad side and prove the statement above, with no exceptions. :)

• that i am good. i still am. after everything.

• that the SONA is a fairytale, and the president a princess. (note: if you've read the other version of snow white where she's a vampire, that'd be her. harhar.)

• that people trying to fit in groups like in the organizations are just tying to hide the insecurity in them, because they could never bear to be alone. sadly, i feel that i am one of them.

• that i am loved. by too many people. and i don't deserve it.

thoughts..

my psych101 prof told us that we daydream for about 8hours in a day. so here i am, writing down my thoughts as i ponder (procrastinate?) on my research thing.

• the very thing one is most afraid of doesn't really turn out that bad.. sometimes it's all in the mind. it may be hard, yes, but it's just a matter of getting used to something that's oddly uncomfortable at first. we learn from those things. they make us stronger.
• hmmm.. something stinks. is it my seatmate? eww.
• i'm looking forward for the weekend. aside from the usual reason of not having classes, it's the uaap opening. ahahaha! and kakay's birthday on sunday, too. food!
• i've started dreading one of my subjects more than the others. of course i hate going to class. drop? lalala..
• burp. chuse me. :)
• wham! ah yeah, well if you hate me, it's your problem. i really do not understand you. hmp. text me na lang. hahaha. asa pa ako. bahala ka.
• connie, can i kill your helpers please? ya know, for hobby's sake and to get all these negative vibrations out. :)
• i have such a colorful page post. it kills me.
  
• cute pala katabi ko. yaak 2006 ang student number. corrupting minors. hehe..
• hmmm..i wanna pupu but i still have a sportscomm meeting later. i'm the sexytary pa naman. err!
• nauubusan na ako ng colors! hehe.
• last one: i don't know what your problem is, but you could at least tell me. hmp.
  

i realize that my thoughts stink. wah!

One Sweet Day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

enjoyment

ouch.

ouch.

okay.

just writing down my thoughts, fears, aches.
it's the least i could do. the one thing i could pour all these emotions to.

no one would listen if i talk, right.

THEY're yours.

enjoy.



i miss that person i could talk to about anything until the wee hours of the morning.
and then we'd sleep til after lunch.

but.

coffee break.

i can't hate you.

in fact, i don't have that privilege.
but yes, i'm hurt.

you think you received all the blows.

the realization that our friends hate me is such a burden.
you KNOW how much that annoys me..
whenever they interfere, it kills me.
because i care about how they perceive things.
and because whatever we have is none of their F*ckin business.


i know my faults.
the worst thing is, i totally hate one of them.
you damn well know that.

if you think i'm unfair, tell it straight to my face.

go on. destroy me.

holding back tears. and letting go.

*blank*

*blank*

*blank*


unexplainable.

i wanna hold you close and never let you go. but doing that would mean hurting you more..

someday, when the pain would ease and our tears will dry, and when we'd be able to smile and laugh about all the heartaches, then i'd be able to tell you how much you really mean to me.. and that seeing you off was like killing a huge part of myself.

fly my love.. soar high..

and tell me about it when you'd be able to face me again..with your face full of happiness, satisfaction, and love..

i'll just be here.. waiting for your return..

ohmygodi'msuchaloser!

i reread my post and it was such a...a...a..disaster!

i stink. ewww!

okay. inhale.exhale.countdown to total death: 11 hours.

forgive me.


anyway, i love Dream Girls..


no no no way..
no no no way
i'm living without you..

that's it.

i'm dead.


bye world.

Riding the mrt and erotic moves

right. i have to establish the connection. because i have a 15-page term paper to do (of course, the deadline is tomorrow.err!), i definitely need to pour my crazy, weird, greenish thoughts out. umm..if you consider yourself a minor, you can exit the screen--or discover the real world. haha.

anyway, i think it's the first time i rode the mrt this year. and i just realized that while some people look at themselves as one of those sardines mercilessly 'sardined' in the train, i've suddenly stumbled upon a creative idea. i like the term. creative. hahaha.

people are not just doing acrobats while in the train--especially during the rush hour when their poise is not an issue anymore. they are really testing not only their flexibility but different possible sexual positions. :p

imagine yourself riding the train and it's literally overflowing. of course, you needed to make yourself comfortable and held onto something so you wouldn't fall when the -physics term needed here- blah blah..or when the train would start moving or would stop. then you also needed to accommodate other people so they could hav their space. so you're either stuck in your weird bending position and holding at the post while an old man was sort of 'pasted' at the post.

so you accidentally touched his something that was long dead and you get traumatized and wished to God that he didn't notice or was too embarrassed to look at you. haha!

ummm.. did i make a connection? not really. oh well.

ah. yeah. the train goes 'hump hump hump' once in a while. so there..

ah crap!

Raped--for more 'green' titles

stupid. stupid.

no question. i officially declare myself stupid. another 5.0 goes to my TCG. who cares? ahhh.. those weird companies i'll be applying to a million years from now--when and IF i'd graduate.

i've finally felt that hazy feeling--when all you want to do is sink to the ground and promise an excruciating death in exchange for a 3-minute humiliation. oh yes. i think i'd prefer death over embarrassment.

after 2 semesters of spanish, all i got to say during my oral final exam were, "me llamo shalimar--ahh... tome(forgot my family name)" and "si, si".


can it get worse than that?

of course. it's those awkward moments when me and my groupmates just stare at each other for help.

i think i'm having a heart attack. excruciating. death.

Pay back time

i hate it when people judge too much with what they see. they should know that there are things which are hidden from them--that are difficult to decipher given their roles on such situations. in fact, they aren't even included! do i need to say "it's none of your business!" or are they smart enough to understand that?

blah blah blah.

nag shali. nag.

hell.

i really shouldn't care about them. they're just narrow-minded idiots who don't have lives so they meddle other people's lives.

i never wanted to talk because i know that when i do, it could turn out really ugly. but hey! mess up my life and i'll ruin yours. forever.

p.s.

i hope you know me. you. yes you. believe what i tell you. see it. feel it.

one last push

..have been staring at the screen for quite some time now..

..they always say that one learns from experience.. and with so many experiences to learn from, one should be more or less used to it by now..

..so why is it still painful?.. what hurts more is that you have to act like there's nothing wrong, or that it's no biggie, depending on the person you're with..

..no need for comments here..

..i'm definitely lost..

..but no one will ever know..

i think i'm having a midlife crisis.

i need a not-so-well-deserved break.

i need it, nonetheless.

call me crazy. i am.

i'm in love.

i was never interested in bands..until i came to UP.
certain people introduced me to them.
i could not imagine how they find it enchanting(!) to watch their favorite bands get drunk, go wild, shout unintellible(?) words in front of the crowd.

but last night, i became one of them. that adrenaline rush one feels when someone was screaming his lungs out til he gasps for air while the audience joins him was something beyond my realm of explanation.

the sacrifice of sleep is definitely worth it.

i love chito. and yes! i love jay.

make me fall for you. :)

spell R-A-N-D-O-M

• hola! me llamo shalimar. soy estudiante en el Unibersidad de Filipinas. mi madre llama nursiva y mi padre llama conrad. mis padres son empleados. (blank) that's the farthest i can get in my span. i sure am gonna suck tomorrow! so what am i doing here? procrastination. hell. i don't need this.

• UP fair! so many memories. it's been a year. life has changed so much. do i want this? has my life turned out the way it should? one thing's sure: it's not how i imagined it to be..
  

• birthday. i'm turning twenteen this month. oh no! i'm not a teen anymore! help! i'm getting old!

• there are a billion and one evidences that show how grown up we've become. from the things that we discuss, to the way we dress ourselves (no matter how hard we try to look younger, it really doesn't help much), to the experiences, to how people talk to you (they don't take us for granted anymore!), to the realization that our friends have been to so much pain that only grown-ups experience..
  

• and yet we still feel so young.. when we wake up in the mornings and want to cuddle back to sleep, of the uncertainties of the future, and the HOPE, that after everything has been said and done, we still turn out fine..be the great persons that our parents want us to be. someone they can be proud of..someone they can brag to their friends when they can't work anymore and just play poker at home with their kumpares and kumares..

• i miss my old self.. that trusting, innocent, happy person whose only problem is how to sneak out of the house to be with friends.. i also miss my old self.. the one with no exta FATS hahahaha.

• the world has become so complicated. my world is so confusing. where do i go. what do i do? why didn't my mommy teach me what to do in situations like these? am i really what people perceive me to be? or am i just a nobody who needs to do the same things everyone does?..

• i just want to be happy. i want my life back. in control.